It's hard to know what to write here anymore. The loss of Steve is still so fresh that I'm afraid anything I write here will be a downer...But I have to get back into routine.
The last two weeks have been so crazy. Week before, time crawled so slow that I thought it would never end, and this one has gone by like a 747. It was Monday just a minute ago, I swear. Cards and flowers keep coming in. It's hard to comprehend how many lives Steve touched - from North Carolina to Australia. He played dj on mIRC radio channel online, and Tuesday night they had a memorial to him - they played two hours of his shows. He would often say, when playing a song, "this is a favorite of mine.." and in the memorial, they played his favorites.
He was a good brother - he's the one who sold me The Car, the one who had my back when trouble was coming and he saw it. He's the one who confided in me and I in him. And he's the one who did the absolute craziest things - but he lived his life the way he wanted, and smurf anybody who didn't like it. He came to closest of all of us to living his dreams. He played his music up and down the East Coast and locally and married the love of his life - found her on the internet, of all places - and he was so happy these last two and a half years. That's a comfort.
There was so much to him, I could never make anyone know him or capture his essence in black and white, because he was a riot of colors, so full of life. And yes, there is a profound sadness now in all of us who loved him, but we know, too and finally, how lucky we were to have him for forty-two years.
I had always envisioned us - him and Patience, me and Jim - in our old age together, neighbors, going to each other's houses and just being..old...together. *smile* One thing that has become crystal clear to me is that we should celebrate those we love every day, be with them when we can, and thank God for them.
I'm sorry if this entry is a downer.
10 comments:
I am so sorry for your loss. I can't even begin to imagine how hard it must be. You and your family will remain in my thoughts and prayers.
Hugs, Martha
I did not think it was a downer at all, I thought it was a wonderful tribute
to Steve's life. That is what you need to do....celebrate his life.
I can remember thinking when my husband died suddenly almost seven years
ago, while riding in the procession and seeing folks on the street going about
their business, "Don't they know that the world just stopped?" It seemed that way. But , life goes on. You can bless the lives of others who loved him by celebrating his memory. Not many of us can say we really lived our lives the way we planned. Praying for the peace that passes understanding for you. Pat
Dear Mara,
this entry is definitely not a downer. Please do not apologize for what you write in your entry. This time of your loss is understandable to be sad at times. You have shared 42 years with your brother and it won't be a carnival feast in 24 hours. This takes time. My mom in law lost her husband of 40 something years just last year, ...she's all alone in their house they built together, I cannot imagine how lonely she is feeling, I do know that when she is sorrounded by us, it takes her mind off of the loneliness now that he's gone. Days after we left (she lives in PA, and we spent the Easter week there) she had her reality day, she cried almost all day, she felt angry...she felt emotions all over again when one goes through when their very love ones pass away and you wake up one morning realizing he/she is not there anymore.
I believe no one should apologize for that, if anything- friends, co-workers, acquaintances, your online friends/readers should understand and be there....and I do for you Mara.
Your brother lived a life made just for him and he lived it to the fullest as you mentioned here...he is worth talking about Mara, and do so if it means it'll help you heal from the feeling of realizing you'll wake from this day on and he is ot there physically.
He can always be there for you by remembering him through thinking about him and/or talking about him.
Hugs,
Gem
Dearest Mara,
If anything, this entry is a reminder just how precious life's connections and love are. Steve sounds like a man you were proud to call your brother. His legacy is the example he set by his actions and happiness. Keep that in your heart and know that you can talk about him here ANY time you want to and are ready. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Hugz, Leigh
Not a downer, just a sister who loves and misses her brother.
This entry is not a downer. Its a wonderful tribute to your brother. Its good for you to write it down, after all it is your journal. Take care of Mara, Paula
(((((*Spice*))))) I understand your grief as it's been 6 years since my brother passed away. It takes time, and talking about it, and remembering him the way you're doing.
Posting this is in no way a downer, contrare my friend..it's the begining of a healing process. Quite obvioous too how much he was loved and a fine tribute to the man he was.
May your grief lessen a little with each passing day, and know the thoughts and prayers continue.
Really impressed with your wonderful friends here who've posted their thoughts as well.
Love ya'
Tina/Lee Anne
An entry like this can never be a downer, because it is full of love for the one you've lost. I know it must still be extradorinarily hard for you right now, and I hope that it helps to write about him like this.
Lori
No, dear Mara, this is not a downer. It's reality. It's LIFE.
I'm so sorry to hear about Steve. I'm slow on the alerts and just seeing this now.
Getting back into routine will help. Just, do it your way. :)
Of COURSE the last 2 weeks have been crazy, and of course, well, the loss is still so fresh.
I'm glad that radio station had that tribute. I bet many listeners are also feeling the loss. You'll know that many were touched by him, smile perhaps to think of him.
So, maybe now it'll be Patience, Jim, and you, on your rockers. The memory and essence of Steve will still be around, in its own way. It won't sting so badly, you may always miss him, but it'll be easier to just chat about him, if he comes up, or some story that makes you all smile. He got to live close to his dreams? Now THAT is great.
Downers are allowed; this is your journal.
Seems to me, though, that you're recognizing and celebrating what his life, and life in general, is, as well.
{{{MARA}}}} I'm so sorry.
JUST REMEMBER THE GOOD TIMES....ROBERTA
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